


Equal Footing

by runningwafers



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Break Up, Crying, Drama, Fix-It, Future Fic, Interviews, M/M, Miscommunication, News Media, Post-Episode 11, Swearing, Talking, a lot of crying, but not really, not episode 12 compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-09 23:07:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8916646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runningwafers/pseuds/runningwafers
Summary: When Yuuri says he wants to end things the night before the free skate, Victor breaks down. Maybe it's the catalyst they need to finally get on the same page about their relationship.





	

"After the final, let's end this." Yuuri's heart seized as the words left his lips. He balled the fabric of his track pants in his fists, willing himself not to cry. A sharp intake of breath. Yuuri couldn't look up at the man he was disappointing. An excruciating silence stretched between them. "Viktor?"

He lifted his gaze, going cold as he saw Viktor's stunned expression. _It's for his own good_ , Yuuri reminded himself.

"I--" Viktor started, his voice wavering and eyes glassy. Yuuri looked back at his hands.

"It's not fair for me to keep you to myself," he choked. "I'm not as good as the other skaters. You came to coach me for me to win gold and I can't." His eyes burned. "I can't give that to you. You should be coaching one of them, or out there yourself--"

"Why-- wh-what--" His voice cracked over the words. "What are you saying?"

Yuuri's lip quivered. "You're wasting your time by being with me," he stumbled. "You should go back to Russia, you should-- We're-- this can't last forever. I'll never be able to give you what you want."

"How can you think that?" There was a broken bitterness in his tone that cut Yuuri like a knife. "After everything? Yuuri, I don't care about the skating, that's not why--"

"You came to win!" He reached out and grasped Viktor's knee. "You shouldn't be with me if I can't give that to you."

Viktor drew in a staggered breath. "How can you-- after we got engaged, after we--"

"We're not--" He wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "I mean, we're not really engaged, are we?"

Viktor stilled and Yuuri immediately realized he'd fucked up. He brushed off Yuri's hand, stood up, and walked away from him. "Viktor--" Yuri tried, but the slamming of the bathroom door cut him off.

 _Shit._ This wasn't what he'd expected at all. In fact, in all his anxiety over how to talk to Viktor about the inevitable end to their relationship, he hadn't really considered Viktor's reaction at all. Not in this specific moment. It had seemed the dignified thing to do, to free Viktor and allow him out of his obligations to a mediocre skater who would never be as good as he should be. He imagined Viktor would be relieved, but the man who had crumpled in front of him and stormed off to the bathroom had not done so out of relief.

He fell onto the floor and drew his legs in. Had he really gotten it so wrong? Why would Viktor be this upset? Yuuri had never deserved him, he'd taken up a year of his life only to bring him disappointment.

A muffled sob came from behind the bathroom door and Yuri's blood ran cold. _Fuck_. He ran his hands through his hair, his tears flowing freely now. What did this mean? Viktor was always so happy, so free with his affection and his declarations. Yuuri had never allowed himself to think Viktor really thought about forever. It was fun, Yuuri was just a distraction, a stepping stone while Viktor figured out what to do next. He had no doubts that Viktor cared for him, but it had always seemed light and carefree, a temporary dalliance, he never thought...

The sounds of wracked sobs pulled Yuuri from his thoughts and into action. He had to do something, anything. He padded over to the bathroom, rapping softly on the door. The crying stopped for a moment without further acknowledgement. "I'm going to come in," he said, pausing to give Viktor a chance to rebuff him. Met with silence, he gently pushed open the door.

The sight before him flooded him with guilt. Viktor sat on the floor, his back against the wall and arms curled around his legs, his eyes red and puffy. Yuuri had never seen anyone look like this, had certainly never been the cause of it. Viktor wouldn't meet his gaze.

"Viktor," Yuuri started, falling next to him on the floor and reaching out a hand. "I'm so--"

"What the fuck, Yuuri?" Viktor snapped, knocking his hand away. "Has any of this ever been real for you? I've done everything I can to prove how much you've changed my life, how much I love you, and you--" He let out a choked sob. "Did you ever even want it?"

"Of course I want it, I--"

"Then what the fuck? What--" He sniffled. "Don't lie to me. If this was real for you, you wouldn't have said you wanted to end it, to act like--" Another sob. "T-to act like you're doing me a favor for breaking my heart."

"That's not--"

"Have I pushed you? Have I pressured you? Yuuri, god, that's--"

"No, please--"

"I've been deluding myself. You don't even remember the night I started falling in love with you. I spent months thinking about you, wondering what I could do for our paths to cross. I felt stupid, I didn't even know you, but I felt. I felt--" He struggled to breathe, choking on his words. "Then you you skated your fucking heart out to my program, and I thought-- but you didn't even-- You never even wanted me to come. Why did you even post that video?"

"I-- I didn't," Yuuri admitted, his stomach churning. "The triplets, they filmed it and posted it without telling me and--"

Viktor let out a loud, bitter laugh. "Of course! Of fucking course."

"Viktor, please, I-- I love you. I do. I'm so grateful that they did post the video, because it brought you to me, but I... I never thought you'd react like this because..." He paused, searching for the words. "Why would you want me? I have nothing to offer, I'll always hold you back, but I-- Never think that I don't love you."

"What a great way of showing it, br-breaking up w-with m-me right before the final." He sniffled. "The thing we've been working toward together for almost a year. What's your theme again?"

"That's not-- Fuck." He ran a hand through his hair. "I fucked up. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Viktor, please, how-- How can I make it up to you? I can't win the gold--"

"I don't care about the gold medal!" He took a steadying breath. "I'd love to see you win it because I love _you_ but I won't love you any differently no matter how you place. You could quit right now and it wouldn't change how I feel about you. I--" He buried his head in his hands. "I thought you knew that."

Yuuri didn't know what to do, how to salvage this situation. How had he reduced the man he loved to this?

"Viktor," he said slowly, placing a tentative hand on his knee. "Viktor, I-- Will you marry me?" Viktor stilled. "Not right now. Obviously, we need to get on the same page about our relationship, but-- someday?"

"You put a wedding ring on my finger yesterday, literally. But now you're proposing? Should I be taking it seriously this time, or is this just for tonight? Today's lark?"

The response stung, and it must have shown on his face, because Viktor took pity on him.

"Yuuri," he said softly. "Of course I want to marry you. You're the love of my life. But I thought that's what you wanted, too." He covered Yuuri's hand with his own. "You haven't had time to think about it seriously--"

"So give me the time. I'll earn it, I promise you." He clasped Viktor's hand and kissed it. "I've spent my whole life trying to be worthy of you. I'm never going to stop trying."

"You're terrible," Viktor said with a choked laugh. "I want to be furious with you, but you make it impossible."

For some reason, that was what made Yuuri break. Viktor's love, given so freely, when Yuuri could never give enough in return. His tears flowed and he struggled to breathe as he broke down onto all fours.

"I-I'm s-s-sorry," he gasped. God, why couldn't he stop this? Viktor was the one being hurt, he was so selfish, and yet the thought only made him cry harder. Maybe it was a kind of catharsis, to let out all of the pressure that had been building up inside him. He thought he might throw up, and a tender hand on his back brought him back down.

"I'm s-sorry, y-you're the," he hiccuped, "o-one wh-who--"

"Yuuri," Viktor said softly, helping him back to a sitting position. "It's okay. It's okay." He repeated it like a promise, kissing his temple.

They sat there for what felt like hours. Yuuri was run down. He cried himself out until he didn't know what else was left inside him. He didn't think Viktor was much better.

"It's late," Viktor said eventually. "You need to rest for tomorrow."

Yuuri let out a watery laugh. "You know I forgot?" Anxious laughter bubbled out of him. "I fucking forgot. I forgot I'm supposed to skate tomorrow."

Viktor smiled and kissed his knee. "You're going to do beautifully," he murmured. "Or you're going to fall on your ass and mess up your program completely. It could go either way."

"Such a vote of confidence," Yuuri said, sniffling, but somehow it was exactly what he needed to hear.

"It would be impressive, no? You skate so well you qualify as one of the top six skaters in the world and then blow it two years in a row? Much more memorable." Yuuri wheezed. "And the banquet! What would you do to top last year? Would you fuck me right on one of the tables?"

"While Phichit instagrams it?"

They both dissolved into laughter, Yuuri's stomach clenching in pain after such exhaustive crying. He didn't care.

"Come here," Yuuri said, bringing a tender hand to Viktor's face and kissing him softly through his laughter. "I love you," he murmured. "I'm sorry that I couldn't see how much you love me, too. It's too much to believe, but I'll try to. I don't want to hurt you again."

Viktor kissed him. "Let's go to bed."

They crawled under the covers and Yuuri wrapped himself around Viktor, while Viktor tucked Yuuri's hand in his own and pulled it to his heart.

"Thank you," Yuuri whispered. "For being patient with me. There's still so much about you I don't know, so much I want to learn. I've been so focused on living up to your expectations as a coach that I... I haven't paid enough attention to _you_. I promise to do better. I want to earn your love."

"I'm already in love with you," Viktor murmured. "You don't need to convince me of anything. Of course, I'm not going to try to stop you from doing nice things for me."

Yuuri pressed a kiss to his neck. "Tell me why you got into skating. I've heard it in interviews, but you've never told me yourself."

Viktor shifted, sinking deeper into Yuuri's embrace. "You have to skate tomorrow. You should try to sleep."

"I can't sleep."

"You didn't cry yourself to exhaustion?" He yawned. "I did." Yuuri sighed. "Fine. It's the rush, you know? The feeling of flying when you're on the ice. I always wanted to be better, to chase that feeling when I first skated without feeling like I was going to fall. People were always impressed with me, and I wanted to keep impressing them. The first gold medal I won was like a drug. I kept chasing that high, but it stopped giving me the same rush after awhile. The past few seasons, I think I forgot why I was really doing it. Once I had established myself as the best, I had to keep being the best. It was all about winning, surprising people, keeping people interested. But it stopped being about the love of the sport. You've given that back to me."

"My skating's nothing special..."

" _You're_ special. Your love for it comes through on the ice, and sharing that with me... It's a gift I don't know how to repay. And all of the skaters are special. Watching the performances today, seeing the nuances in how each skater is different, the unique aspects each of them bring to the sport, it let me see things I'd ignored or forgotten as a competitor." He squeezed Yuuri's hand. "Yuuri, you might never realize how much you've given me and changed me, what your love means to me. The way I feel when I make you happy, when you look at me. It's so much stronger than what I ever got from winning."

Yuuri laughed against him. "You're such a sap."

"You're just learning that?"

Yuuri leaned over and kissed him.

* * *

The day of the free skate, Yuuri glided onto the ice with a lightness he'd never felt in a competition before, even during the Rostelecom Cup. He felt almost giddy, that he was here in the Grand Prix Final and he didn't even care if he won. He wanted to show the world his love of skating and to skate his love for Viktor, it was such a simple goal.

His mind went quiet as the music started. The moves flowed out of him organically, the roar of the audience fading to a distant murmur. His heartbeat thrummed in his ears. He landed his first jump with a laugh, happiness exploding out of him. Skating had never felt like this. The closest he had ever come was when he skated Viktor's program last year, but it didn't match the lightness in his heart now. He was so grateful for this sport, for giving him purpose and bringing him to Viktor.

When he skated to a stop, the cheers of the audience came roaring back into focus, nearly knocking him off his feet. A surprised laugh erupted out of him, and he brought his hands to his face. His eyes lept toward Viktor and he rushed toward him.

Viktor was stunned silent, and what a contrast it was to the silence of last night. Yuuri couldn't stop laughing, didn't want to, and it was infectious.

"That's the best I've ever seen you skate," Viktor laughed against his ear. "Of course it would be the one time you don't care about winning."

Yuuri kissed him. He realized what Viktor had meant last night-- winning could never feel this good. He let himself be tugged to the kiss and cry, but he'd gone back to tuning out the background noise. His mouth was running a mile a minute, babbling about how the skate had felt, unable to stop talking.

"Yuuri, look."

His heart stilled as he saw the scoreboard.

* * *

 **The Quiet Life: Interview with Figure Skating Champions Yuuri Katsuki and Viktor Nikiforov**  
_By Laura Warner_

It's been over a year since Yuuri Katsuki took the skating world by storm, winning golds at the World Championships and the Grand Prix Final, as well as a silver in the Four Continents. After an explosive season, it came as a surprise to the skating world when he decided to retire at the peak of his career. It was a move that echoed that of his former coach and current fiancé, Viktor Nikiforov, who retired after winning five consecutive golds at both the World Championships and Grand Prix Final to become his coach. The pair has kept out of the limelight since moving to Hasetsu, Japan, where they work as trainers at the local ice rink, and little is known about what they’ve been up to. I sat down with them to learn more about their lives since leaving the world of competitive figure skating.

_Laura Warner: Thank you both for agreeing to this interview and giving us a tour of Ice Castle Hasetsu. What made you decide to settle here and start a training program?_

Viktor Nikiforov: Both of us were looking for our next steps after retiring from skating. I'd grown to love Hasetsu after training Yuuri here and it made sense for us to come back. I don't have a strong relationship with my family, but Yuuri does, and they've been so welcoming. We both love skating and sharing that love with young skaters.

Yuuri Katsuki: Hasetsu has been known for its skating programs long before Viktor and I got involved here. Ice Castle has been an established club for several decades now, but its popularity had been waning. I do feel a little responsible for that-- I left to train in the United States when I moved to senior-level. But this is the place I fell in love with skating, and I'm happy to help pass that on to younger generations and help revitalize the skating community here.

_LW: You don't have any senior level skaters training here currently, do you think that will change?_

VN: Maybe someday. Through coaching Yuuri, I realized that I'm not experienced enough to give most competitive skaters what they need from a coach. Yuuri was a special case, I decided to coach him because I wanted to get to know him specifically and coaching was an excuse to do so. I was willing to do anything to help him succeed, and it was very difficult when I didn't know what he needed. I think we both need a little more experience to be able to take on high level skaters.

YK: Coaching senior-level skaters is a big commitment, there's a lot of travel involved since competitions are held all over the world. You feel a lot of personal responsibility for their wins and losses as well as their emotional stability. Both of us have needed a break from that world and some time to focus on ourselves. We're not teaching our students how to win, we're sharing with them our love of the sport. It's a totally different kind of coaching than what senior-level skaters would need and expect. But, I agree that maybe someday. We've talked about it. Eventually, I think we might be drawn back to competition. And Viktor is a brilliant choreographer. Programs he choreographed for myself and Yuri Plisetsky broke his own world records last season. I would love to see him be able to do more of that.

_LW: Viktor, can you elaborate on what made you decide to become Yuuri's coach?_

YK: Please don't...

VN: I'd love to!

YK: Oh god.

VN: I hadn't paid much attention to Yuri's career before he first qualified for the Grand Prix Final. We hadn't been in many competitions together. I watched some of his videos when I learned I'd be competing against him, and I was drawn to his passion and genuine love for the sport. It was disappointing to see him choke in the competition, but I didn't think about it too much until after that night. You see, after the final, there's always a banquet. I had grown bored of them, they're always so stuffy. So I was very surprised to see this Japanese skater show up and get incredibly drunk.

YK: Are the readers really interested in this?

VN: There are photos online, I highly recommend looking them up. Yuuri challenged Yuri Plisetsky to a dance-off and I was immediately intrigued. I love to be surprised and this was totally unexpected. Then he asked me to dance, which was honestly a life-changing moment for me. I'd just won another gold medal, but this drunken Japanese man showed up and literally swept me off my feet and it made me realize how much I'd been neglecting in my life by pursuing skating so single-mindedly. Then there was the half-naked pole-dancing--

YK: We don't need the details.

VN: _(Laughs.)_ Anyway. It was a real wake-up call for me. He asked me that night to come to Hasetsu and be his coach, actually. I didn't take it seriously, but I wanted to. I couldn't stop thinking about him for the rest of the season. Even if I didn't see him again, I wanted to have those feelings again, to tap into the joy and life that I'd felt dancing with him, to find love. So, when I saw a video of him skating my program, pouring his heart into it, I realized I had an opportunity. Of course, I assumed he'd skated and posted it on purpose to get my attention and that he wanted me to come, which turned out to be a very false assumption.

YK: I didn't _not_ want you to come.

VN: But you never expected it. We had a lot of misunderstandings early in our relationship. It turned out that he didn't even remember that night and he never meant for the video to be posted.

_LW: So Yuuri, how did you feel when Viktor showed up to coach you?_

YK: Completely confused, as you can imagine. We should have talked about it. We were operating under very different assumptions and expectations. But I couldn't be happier with the way things turned out, so I guess I can't complain.

_LW: You broke two world records during your last season, in addition to winning golds in the two biggest annual competitions. What made you decide to retire after that?_

YK: I never really thought I’d continue after last year. Going into the free skate in the Grand Prix Final, I thought I might retire before even finishing out the season because I had other things to focus on. I think that's what allowed me do well, because I didn't care about the results. I know that many skaters do their best in competition, but that's never been true for me. I've always struggled with anxiety and self-sabotage, but during the free program, I just wanted to skate for the joy of skating.

_LW: That's very different from the short program you had delivered the day before._

YK: _(Laughs.)_ Yes, it was. I was in a completely different place emotionally. I had spent the entire season thinking that I needed to win gold for Viktor, so that's all I was focused on during the short program. He'd given up his career and the chance to break more world records, just to coach me. I thought I had to give him the gold, or else I had just been wasting his time.

VN: He actually tried to break up with me the night before the free skate in the Grand Prix Final.

YK: Viktor!

VN: It's true! He thought I only wanted to be with him as long as he was a champion skater, as his coach. This was the day after we got engaged, by the way.

YK: _You_ thought we got engaged. I thought--

VN: You had given us gold rings as luck charms. _(Laughs.)_ It was a bit of a cultural misunderstanding. We weren’t always the best at communicating. I was completely devastated when he tried to end it. He told me our engagement wasn't real and that I should go back to Russia. I ran into the bathroom and broke down crying. I think that's what it took for Yuuri to realize that I was actually in love with him. I was a mess. We spent most of that night crying on the bathroom floor.

YK: And I've spent every day since trying to make it up to you.

VN: I enjoy his groveling.

_LW: Do you ever regret retiring at the height of your career?_

YK: Me or Viktor? _(Laughs.)_ I don't, not at all. Viktor and I were on different pages about our relationship, and I think we had to figure out what we were to each other outside of competitive skating. The past year has been the happiest of my life, and we both love what we're doing here at Ice Castle.

VN: I regret that he quit sometimes. And he says the same to me. Neither of us retired because we physically had to, but it's still a lot to go through every season. I think we've had to accept that competitive skating means sacrifice, and it came to a point where it wasn’t worth it. We both decided that we'd had good careers and it was time to move on and focus on other things. But neither of us regrets retiring for ourselves, we only regret it for each other. So really, it's not much of a sacrifice at all.

YK: He's right. And there are a lot of factors that could have changed the trajectory of my career. If we'd been in a different place in our relationship, maybe I could have found another year or two in me to compete. But then, if Viktor hadn't come to be my coach, I probably would have retired the year before. If Viktor never skated at all, I might never have gotten into it competitively. He's always been at the center of my career in one way or another. I could never regret the way things turned out. Aside from what it's meant for me personally, achieving two gold medals in international competition is a major accomplishment that I can be proud of. I know it's not ten in a row, but--

VN: Who needs ten golds? _(Laughs.)_

_LW: It sounds like both of you are very happy._

VN: I know it's cliche to say, but I didn't know it was possible to be this happy. Unlike Yuuri, I do have some regrets about my career. I pursued it with such focus that I missed out on a lot of life along the way. But I'm proud of my accomplishments. I know that many skaters have given up more and not had the same luck and opportunities I have. I'm grateful. Skating has given me everything I have.

YK: I'll echo that, skating has been my life and I've gotten so much out of it. I've spent my whole life striving to be worthy of Viktor, for us to be on equal footing. And I think we're finally both there.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the corniest fic I've ever written, I usually only write pairings that borderline hate each other. Very off brand. But what are you gonna do ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


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